I never would have guessed my happy engagement to Mitchell Leff would ever wind up as a salacious news story. (You can read about it here, in an article called I’LL PAY FOR YOUR IVF, NOW ABORT IT.)
Then again, if you’ve read my story, you know there’s a lot that’s transpired in the last few months I never would have guessed. Because some of what’s been reported is completely false, I’m writing this article now, to tell my story.
1. Mitchell Leff was my fiancé who I was living with when I got pregnant through IVF. In some articles, Mitchell is described as my “married boyfriend.” Totally false. Mitchell told me he had been broken up with his wife in Great Neck (who he always referred to as his “ex-wife”) for about a year and a half when I first met him. Indeed, Mitchell and his ex-wife were busy working out “the last of the financials” for their divorce. Mitchell even showed me letters from her lawyer to his lawyer — debating who keeps the house, who benefits from his real estate investments, etc. Although Mitchell lied about having filed for divorce - he and his ex-wife were very much not a couple for a long time when he asked me to marry him.
It’s truly important to make it clear: Mitchell’s bailing on our baby had nothing to do with his exwife and their incomplete filing for divorce. Sure Mitchell lied about having filed for divorce. But Mitchell did not go back to his wife - that’s not the reason he bailed on our baby. The only “reason” Mitchell claimed he was bailing was because twelve days after our IVF, twelve hours after he learned I was pregnant, Mitchell realized he didn’t want to start raising kids again.
2. While getting to know Mitchell, I asked all the right questions - and Mitchell not only gave all the right answers, he did all the right actions to show me he meant his answers. He said he wanted to marry me and have my baby - then did the actions of someone who wants to marry me and have my baby. He gave me an engagement ring, and we celebrated our engagment with each other’s friends and family. Everyone who knew Mitchell commented how they’d never seen him so happy. Mitchell’s mom and I wound up adoring each other. We became Facebook friends. Plus, Mitchell and I were not only talking the talk of marriage, we were moving forward — with him moving into my Manhattan apartment. He lived with me as his primary residence. My address is listed as his last residence in address searches. Because Mitchell moved into the apartment I owned, and I was paying maintenance, he suggested he pay to renovate my place, so when we had our child (which Mitchell constantly talked about enthusiastically wanting) my apartment would be workable for a family of three. To me, these family friendly home renovations Mitchell funded were yet more symbols of his longterm commitment to a family.
Its important to make it clear: We were having no problems in our relationship before the successful pregnancy. I recognize the irony, that I wrote a book called PRINCE HARMING SYNDROME. Mitchell had no Prince Harming red flags. He had all the traits for what I call a “relationship of shared virtue” - where you both empower each other to grow into your highest potential. Firstly, Mitchell wanted to grow as a person. He went to Kripalu, Omega, Menla House, therapy and read self help books - other than my own! He spoke a lot about all the lessons he learned from his failed marriage — how he recognized he wanted to become a better communicator. He also shared my same vision for a future: marriage, baby, a home full of love and laughter. Plus, he motivated me and empowered me to bloom into my best possible self. He loved how I loved to write novels and screenplays — cheered me on to write novels and screenplays. He very much appeared like a healthful, loving partner.
Indeed, Mitchell told me if I’d abort, he’d stay engaged with me. His only reason he ever expressed for wanting me to abort was that he suddenly realized he did not want to become a father again at age 51. Why he never mentioned or realized he had doubts about fatherhood before he spent $28,000 of his cash on IVF - and put my body through a hormone rampage on IVF - is completely incomprehensible (and perhaps I dare say reprehensible). People want to know - how can a self help author get conned? I’m both embarrassed and stumped. But in the end, I’m a self help book author, not a psychic, and there were truly no obvious red flags prior to our pregnancy. (Even many smart people were fooled by Madoff.)
As a self help book author, I’m right now very aware of doing what I can to bounce back from this challenge as a strong, happy, wiser, forward facing woman. I’m doing this by focusing on finding the lessons to be learned, surrounding myself with loving friends and family, being aware of having gratitude for the miracle of being pregnant in my 40’s, and trying to find forgiveness for Mitchell… and myself.
3. I did not get pregnant by accident - as some people are incorrectly commenting on some online articles. I’m in my 40’s, and due to fertility issues, Mitchell and I had to pursue the complicated and expensive process of IVF.
To me, when Mitchell enthusiastically paid $28,000.00 in cash for IVF treatments, I saw it as another huge symbol of his commitment to family. Plus Mitchell went to the fertility clinic with me about 10 times in four months -was poked and prodded — had his blood tested — his semen analyzed. He filled out many papers, signed his signature upon them all. On Dec. 3rd, the day of the insemination, Mitchell lovingly held my hand — and spoke about how excited he was to take our child to the zoo, teach our child to ski, show our child the world. After the procedure Mitchell paid for each of us to have one year gym memberships - spending close to 4 grand in cash to invest in our year ahead at the gym.
The only reason I bring up all of Mitchell’s cash payments is because they’re all symbols of his longterm commitment. Mitchell was putting his money where his mouth was - making purchases which were investing in our future.
4. There were no red flags before my pregnancy - and far too many afterwards. At 8pm on Dec. 14th we found out I was pregnant. On Dec. 15th at 8 am Mitchell for the first time told me he thought he was too old to be a dad - and was satisfied with having already raised two kids - and thereby didn’t want another child. This news was shocking. Make that SHOCKING. Mitchell had done IVF with me a mere 12 days before. How could a man change his mind in 12 days? It made no sense - especially since Mitchell had never once - in all his 10 visits to the fertility clinic - never, ever, ever once expressed anything less than extreme enthusiasm for wanting a child with me. He’d even handwritten cards to me - about his excitement about having a child with me (which he later told me he’d scribbled on his ex-wife’s sunflower card stationary). At the time Mitchell learned of my pregnancy, we’d just come back from a romantic trip to Paris. We were very much in love. We’d had zero fights. Mitchell himself said he wanted to remain engaged - but the only way he could stay with me, was if I’d abort our child. Talk about a Sophie’s choice. Here I was pregnant with a miracle child in my late 40’s - my last chance at motherhood - with a baby who Mitchell painstakingly, purposefully and expensively brought into this world - with me pumped up with all kinds of hormones - only to be told by Mitchell — out of nowhere — that I should terminate our baby - and thereby terminate my dreams of a happy family.
My first reaction was to pray that Mitchell was in temporary fear. I suggested we see Elyse, his therapist - who he saw sometimes twice a week. I knew how much Mitchell valued Elyse’s insights. I suggested we both talk to her about our pregnancy. Mitchell then told me something new which shocked me. He confessed he’d never told Elyse he and I were pursuing IVF.
Mitchell said, “Maybe it’s a sign I never wanted a child - because I knew Elyse knows I’ve never really wanted any more kids - so I guess I didn’t tell Elyse - because I was afraid she’d challenge me on my decision to do IVF with you.”
Huh? What? You gotta be kidding! Why did Mitchell bother to do IVF in the first place if he had any doubts at all about wanting more kids? Why did he never mention his doubts to me - or talk about our IVF with his therapist? What kind of “real issues” did he ever talk with his therapist about - if IVF never came up? Was Mitchell simply gambling with my uterus - betting $28,000.00 that at my age I wouldn’t get pregnant? Did he simply tell me he wanted a baby because he knew that was the only way I’d enter into a relationship with him and have sex with him - because I told him on our second date I only wanted to get involved with a man who wanted a family with me. Was it possible? It sounds crazy - but could it be that Mitchell was simply viewing the $28,000 he shelled out for IVF as the fee for making sure I’d sleep with him - hoping the IVF wouldn’t pay off? I know that sounds farfetched - but this whole situation is bizarre. My body is not a science experiment. I think Mitchell and I are the only couple in the universe who ever did IVF to great success — then afterwards one of the partners changes their mind.
5. I didn’t want to file a Complaint. I also didnt want to be mistreated/victimized. I am a strong, empowered woman and I wanted to be treated fairly/appropriately– and I was surprised by Mitchell’s ultimate abandonment.
I also did not want this story to go public. After I filed the Complaint, I found out the hard way that journalists like to troll the courthouse looking for newly filed cases they think will make interesting news stories. Two separate journalists recognized my name - and called my lawyer to write me up. I turned down both of them. It didn’t matter I didn’t want to go public. They both wrote up the articles without my interview — using information from the Complaint. Some of what they wrote was completely incorrect. Some of the unfortunate information about Mitchell which they described was only revealed to me at the very end of our relationship, not the beginning. At a certain point I decided to call the journalists to correct the misinformation - then decided to also correct it all here. But I never chose to go public with this.
The last time I saw Mitchell, he hugged me and said: “I’m so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I promise no matter what happens I will never abandon you and Ruby. I will be kind. I will take care of you both.”(Note: When we started IVF, Mitchell named our baby Ruby - after my deceased father Rubin. Mitchell was sure we were going to have a little girl.) Mitchell consistently promised he’d pay for all medical bills and pregnancy related expenses - including all the family-friendly-home-renovations he’d started and were in the middle of being finished - and needing to be finished so my apartment could be habitable - renovations he could afford easily - but for me would be a monetary strain. He also acknowleged on that last evening I saw him how he’d told me to turn down two money-paying jobs - to write my screenplay and novel - because he loved the idea of supporting me in my passions. “I know you really want to write novels and screenplays,” Mitchell had said before we began IVF. “Don’t worry about money. I will support you. Plus if you’re pregnant in a few months, as I hope you will be, you might not be able to be creative and write for the 9 months you are pregnant - so maybe you should not risk taking on book projects right now. It’s not worth it - when I can support you.”
Unfortunately because I believed Mitchell’s promises of support during my pregnancy, I had no set-up income due in when Mitchell walked out that door - although I did have lots of pregnancy related bills coming in — and a baby on the way which I felt I needed to hurry up and make lots of income for - since I was now abandoned out of nowhere to be a single mom - and was nervous about how I could juggle work and a baby on my own — without having prepared ahead of time for this new reality. To make matters worst, I was suffering from morning sickness not only in the morning but noon, night, and 3am. To my surprise, when a few days later I contacted Mitchell about the medical bills and other pregnancy expenses, he refused to respond. I warmly called. I warmly texted. I warmly emailed. And Mitchell simply stonewalled - which completely shocked me - since our last encounter had been such a compassionate one.
Thankfully, I found a smart lawyer, Leon Borstein, of Borstein and Sheinbaum. I told Leon about my situation. While Leon thought Mitchell could be liable for fraud and intentional infliction of emotional distress, Leon mainly thought Mitchell was in major breach of contract of an obvious oral agreement. I relied to my detriment on Mitchell’s promises of support while I am pregnant — a pregnancy which Mitchell obviously wanted since he funded the IVF. Leon discussed with me how prior palimony lawsuits were all dismissed because of a legal concept called the statute of frauds. We believe our lawsuit has nothing to do with those cases because we are not seeking it as a substitute of marriage. We’re seeking it as a breach of an oral contract for the 9 months of pregnancy and two months of recuperation thereafter. (Think about it like this: If a couple enthusiastically wants a surrogate mother to get pregnant — then they make an oral agreement with her, that if she gets pregnant through their funding her to do an IVF procedure, then they will pay for the 9 months of pregnancy and 2 months of recuperation thereafter — and this surrogate then gets pregnant — if the couple changes their mind — suddenly bails on the surrogate, leaving her pregnant/exhausted/with morning sickness/reliant on their oral agreement’s monetary promises to pay for pregnancy expenses/medical bills/support — they’d still be held responsible for her 9 months of pregnancy and 2 months of recuperation thereafter.)
There’s one empowering bright spot in the midst of all this pain and upset. Leon and I are both excited to win our suit, so we can not only protect my baby, but protect other pregnant women –setting up a precedent to help all the many women out there who are seeking fair and just prenatal support and prenatal medical expenses from putative fathers - or fugitive fathers, as my case stands.
A well-known research study at Duke University showed that going for a brisk 30-minute walk three times a week is as effective as taking antidepressants to improve your mood. And they found that the group that exercised had more long-lasting benefits than those that took antidepressants.
Why? Exercise increases the release of endorphins and the mood-enhancing neurotransmitter serotonin in the brain, the same chemicals that antidepressants manipulate to make you feel better.
Researchers also discovered that during exercise there is an increase in brain emission of alpha waves that are associated with a relaxed, meditation-like state. This feeling appears about 20 minutes into a 30-minute exercise session.
Bounce Back Assignment: Take some steps toward improving your mood today. Step outside for a walk or a run.
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Okay. I must confess. I have a huge crush on Wayne Dyer. I just discovered his book “Your Sacred Self” - and what he says in this quickie passage makes a wonderful inspiring BOUNCE BACK TIP reminder - so I’m sharing it here with all you!! Voila. Wayne Dyer:
The ancient spiritual writings in the Kabbalah have a very pertinent teaching that I would like you to come to know. It is suggested in them that our purpose here is to move from lower levels of living to higher and higher planes. But in order to move to the next level we must actually fall down first-to acquire and generate the necessary energy to propel ourselves to the next level.
Thus every single fall that you experience is really an opportunity to acquire energy. The added energy provides the turbo boost to move up and fulfill your purpose on the next level. Your sacred self knows that your falls are necessary for the achievement of this goal.
(…)The fall is always in divine order. Whether we choose to acquire the energy to move to a higher spiritual level is entirely up to each and every one of us. My message is clear. Use your falls to come to an awareness of the higher power and loving presence that is always with you. The energy that you acquire is similar to what the high jumper gets when he falls way back in order to propel himself over the bar at a higher level than before.
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Yup. You gotta love Wayne Dyer. With all he shares above, know if you’re feeling hurt from a particular fall in your life, that you can with conscious awareness use your fall to push yourself up higher than ever. If you’re in the midst of a fall now - use it to jump for joy - because with the right empowering insights, you’ll be on a path to becoming your highest self.
