notsalmon

Confession time: I once suffered from what I call Prince Harming Syndrome – the tendency to date men who were bully beaus – charismatic guys, who seemed like great catches, until they’d suddenly erupt into a rage, over the smallest of things: an unmade bed, being late by 10 minutes, a difference in movie preferences.

I remember once I was sharing a story about a particular Prince Harming with my girlfriend, Joanie, in a café, when the man at the next table interrupted.

“Excuse me,” this stranger said. “I hope you girls don’t mind, but I must confess I overheard you talking….and well…I’m a psychoanalyst…and I’m worried about you,” he said staring directly at me. “Do you mind if I give you my free therapy opinion?”

“Not at all,” said Joanie, answering for me.

“I have nothing to gain by telling you this,” the anonymous psychoanalyst began. “I don’t want or need your business. But as a psychoanalyst, I cannot help but recognize how this man you’re with is emotionally abusive. He sounds like a classic control freak…with sadistic tendencies… and you, well, you are a classic masochist… since as of right now, you are choosing to stay.”

“Masochist?” I repeated.

I looked at Joanie. She meekishly shrugged.

“But it’s good news, too,” the anonymous psychoanalyst said. “Masochists always have the most hope for change, because masochists always blame themselves. So… search deeply for why you’re with this man, your responsibility for having chosen him…and get out while you can!” He then grabbed his brown leather briefcase, and whisked out of the café – like some masked psychoanalyst avenger.

I felt both horrified and validated. My Prince Harming had been assessed by a professional to be a sadistic control freak.

And me? I still had yet to figure out why had I chosen him.

In my mind I wasn’t a masochist. I’d been tricked. The way advertisers use “bait and switch” my Prince Harming had employed “date and switch.” He truly did start out so nice.

“You really should end this dysfunctional relationship,” Joanie urged me. “Trust me. You’ll meet and marry a great guy soon enough. You’ve just got to kiss a lot of frogs before you find your prince.”

“I accept that,” I told her. “It’s just the pigs, dogs and jacka—‘s I mind kissing.”

We laughed heartily at the time. But sure enough, within 24 hours, this Prince Harming again erupted at me – calling me a “c—t” in front of his daughter – a sweet 8 year old little girl.

At that point, I finally had the clarity of mind to leave.

I recognized, however, just because this man was no longer in my life, it didn’t mean my masochistic dating tendencies had left too. I needed to do some serious self-exploration, and understand why I had this urge to go towards these fiery-tempered men, rather than run from.

Although I’ve since — thankfully — with effort – broken free from my Prince Harming Syndrome, I continue to hear many tales of Prince Harmings from my girlfriends.

Indeed, in the last few weeks I’ve heard four Prince Harming tales.

SInce I empathise so greatly — having “been there, dated that!” today I wanted to write something to help.

If you’re a woman who’s presently involved with A Prince Harming, here are some important things to keep in mind.

1. Did you have a parent with a bad temper? If so, you’re experiencing what Freud called Repetition Compulsion. Your past is sneaking into your present. You accept being shrieked at as being “normal” – when it’s not. Some part of you from childhood feels “you’re bad” and deserves anger as a ritualistic behavior. Well, I’m here to tell you, the time has come to stop these anger rituals! Nothing in your past is in your physical reality now making you do anything you don’t choose to do. You are NOT your past history! You are NOT your past failures! You are NOT how others have at one time treated you! You are ONLY who you THINK you are now in this moment.You are ONLY what you DO now in this moment.

2. Are you hooked into pain because of low self esteem? Perhaps you feel like you don’t deserve healthy love because of your weight, career, etc. If so…you must either improve your weight, career, etc – or change your view of these things. Start loving yourself — flaws and all. Focus on what makes you hot stuff! You’re funny, kind, generous, a great kisser! A guy should be so lucky as to be with you! The stronger your self-beliefs that you deserve healthy love, the more you will conquer and attract!

3. Have you stopped being a hopeless romantic – and now think romance is hopeless? Have you lowered your “dating bar” so low, low, low, that now only the slimiest reptilean snake-y guys are wiggling through? If so, the time has come to raise that bar — by surrounding yourself with friends and family who are in healthy, loving relationships, so you’re constantly reminded “good love” is out there – and so you know what it looks, sounds, feels, and quacks like!

4. Are your values off-kilter, and you care more about money and good looks, than you do about your self esteem and happiness? As my good girlfriend Khatun once quipped. “Every a—-hole has their silver lining!” Sure enough, Prince Harmings are usually very appealing on lots of levels — which distracts us gals from the very fact that they are indeed toxic. You must remind yourself: the #1 reason to merge your life with a man is that he makes you feel happier – not more anxious and depressed. You must also remind yourself of your top values for a man. Write a list – and on it should be: even-tempered, kind-hearted, gentle, a good listener, a compromiser etc. Also write down how you’d feel being with this type of man (relaxed, safe, content, happy, etc.) Keep these lists with you in your wallet – and make them priorities.

5. Are you an “enterpainer”? Are you used to entertaining everyone with your tales of drama and conflict? If so, Carl Jung believes that’s because we humans need meaning/purpose in our lives – a central drive to feel our lives are important. If we cannot feel that passion in a “high level quest” (ie healthy, fabulous love, a passionate career etc) then we go to Plan B — seek a “low level quest” ( ie Prince Harming Syndrome – which makes us feel important every time we complain about how awful this man is – and get such strong reactions from people.) Listen up! The time has come to stop settling for “low level quests” – and seek positive passion and purpose for yourself!

6. Do you keep telling yourself it’s not 3 strikes and Prince Harming is out – it’s 3,452,103 strikes and he’s out? Are you rationalizing staying in this harmful relationship longer and longer, because you’re more afraid of the pain of “temporary solitude” than the pain of abuse? If so, you must accept that when you break up, there will be a temporary period of aloneness. But “temporary” is the key word. Decide now that you will use your “temporary” alone time to do all the things you’re putting off doing. Take a class. Join a club. Spoil yourself with bubble baths, flowers, massages, pedicures. At night before bedtime, do a Mental Rental: envision your ideal man coming towards you. And remember – the Law Of Attraction can’t work – until you’ve practiced The Law Of Subtraction – and rid yourself of that Prince Harming!

7. Are you afraid to break up with your Prince Harming because you’ll feel like another broken relationship is a failure. If so, re-frame this as a success story. From hereonin you will not be dating Prince Harmings! Make this ending stand for your brand new beginning! Every time you find yourself missing your Prince Harming’s silver lining, repeat the word “Forward!” Remind yourself you’re moving forward away from this self-hurting tendency.

Remember, in life change is something which just sort of happens.

But progress is a choice – your choice!

If you know of someone who suffers from Prince Harming Syndrome, please alert them to this blog post!