A funny thing happened after my break up with my ex-boyfriend Josh. Not funny as in “ha ha.” More funny as in “a-ha!” After my break up, I wanted very much to fall in love with someone new. But I was so afraid of getting my heart broken again, I developed an unbreakable heart. Although it looked like a real, workable heart on the outside, it didn’t allow any new man to get on its inside. Although I thought I was excited to meet someone new, I was petrified. Perhaps this is what made my heart unbreakable. It was a petrified heart.
Here’s the definition of petrified: “To change (organic matter) into a stony concretion by encrusting or replacing its original substance with a calcareous, siliceous, or other mineral deposit.”
Yep – looking back – I had me a petrified unbreakable heart!
My story quickly: After my break up with Josh, I attracted a man who was the opposite of Josh. I then became a lot like Josh: unavailable.
My New Man’s Biggest Complaint: I was too busy for him. For example, he thought it was weird that I would always leave early in the morning because I wanted to go running.
My Biggest Complaint: My new man was too fun. He liked to go out too much.
The Truth: I should have loved that every night this New Man texted me asking me what my plans were. I now can more clearly see that I had become super busy in an effort to become “un-needy” – as a reaction to being “too needy” for Josh. Plus, there was a potpourri of benefits in making myself “un-needy.” In particular, “un-neediness” meant I wouldn’t ever get close to this New Man – and thereby I’d protect my heart from getting broken yet again. Unfortunately, not only was I keeping myself from feeling the potential pain of a relationship (aka: rejection) – I also was keeping myself from the big gain of a relationship (aka: intimacy).
More Truth: We get no real rewards out of a relationship when we maintain an unbreakable heart. After all, the #1 real reward of being a relationship is getting to savor this delicious intimacy!
Ultimately I realized that because I wasn’t ready to let this New Man in, I should let him go. I needed time to clear my head. And that’s when I realized yet another funny thing of the “a-ha” variety.
I realized: Men actually need women to be a little bit needy of them! If you don’t need a man at all, he will become restless. Men are natural problem solvers! So, if you’re not ready to be make yourself “the right kinda needy” in a relationship, well, you’re not ready for a relationship at all.
Lindsay Kriger, Founder of If Only I Knew on Facebook