5 Predictors of A Break Up, according to John Gottman

John Gottman
I used to have a thing for dating “Prince Harmings .” Until finally in my 40’s I became passionately determined to break my bad love patterns for good.

My journey led me to do a lot of soul searching – as well as researching.

I was on a mission: learn the secrets of happy couples!

I’m happy to say I did indeed my find my sweetie – and we’re living happily ever after together  – raising an awesome kid (Ari!).

I’m now passionately determined to help as many people as I can to find happy, safe-feeling relationships. This is why I created The Never Again Program – a life-changing online home course – you can read more about by clicking here.  Below you’ll find an excerpt from The Never Again Program – some of John Gottman’s research. Gottman studied the ins and “on-the-outs” of marriage for 20 years – and he offers up these…

 5 PREDICTORS OF A BREAK UP + 1 TOOL TO CREATE AN UPWARD SPIRAL!

john gottman1. Harsh Start Ups
You begin a discussion with your partner using criticism, sarcasm, or harsh words. Instead you should always begin with a compliment about what you appreciate about your partner and a reminder about how you really want to work on your relationship so it succeeds – and the two of you can grow together.
2. You Ride The Four Horsemen
(1) You stonewall — meaning you withdrawal, refusing to participate in communication. Stonewalling is the numero uno destroyer of love. Gottman believes even fighting is a step upward on the upheaval food chain – because at least there’s authentic and heartfelt communication being exchanged. (2) You criticize without warmth and open-mindedness. (3) You show contempt – speaking with an attitude which shows no respect for your partner — being overly judgmental over the smallest of things. (4) You’re defensive. You do not take any responsiblity for your contribution to problems.
3. Your Body Language Is Cursing And Shouting
Your arms are crossed. Your face is sneering. Your heart rate has increased. Your blood pressure has mounted. You have no ability to process information and thereby pay attention to what your partner is saying.
4. You Suck At Repair
For every negative event you need something positive to repair the emotional damage – or you will overflood your partner with too much negativity. You need to weave into hard times some soothing and adoring good times — like an expression of appreciation, a small apology, a display of some warmth. Gottman recommends a 5 to 1 nice to nasty ratio to keep your love feeling as if its loving.
5. Bad Memories
If you can’t forgive and forget then you will get stuck frozen in bad memories — “stuck” in a negative view. Instead you should purposefully share conversations where you remember the good times and good qualities you love about your partner, so as to jumpstart loving memories, and defuse bad ones.

predictors of a break upSo, how can one do a swerve-a-roo from downward spiral to an upward spiraling of thriving love?

In a word: Empathize!

Putting in the effort of empathy is the universal cure-all for all relationship woes!

So, if right now you and your partner are undergoing love troubles, purposefully think and feel from your partner’s point of view. Try to really figure out your partner’s feelings, fears, pains and disappointments.

As Steven Covey brilliantly stated in his fabulous book The Seven Habits for Highly Effective People: “Seek first to understand — then to be understood!”

Click to find out more about The Never Again Program- now discounted for a limited time! (My relationship tools were so loved by the people at Oprah that they gave me my own column! )

TWEET THIS NOW: 5 Predictors of A Break Up via @notsalmon ‘s blog!

What’s something which comes to your mind and heart when you read about these John Gottman predictors? Share your personal story or a personal happiness tool below!

 

Written by Karen Salmansohn (Founder)

Hi I’m Karen Salmansohn, founder of NotSalmon. My mission is to offer you easy-to-understand insights and tools to empower you to bloom into your happiest, highest potential self. I use playful analogies, feisty humor, and stylish graphics to distill big ideas – going as far back as ancient wisdom from Aristotle, Buddhism and Darwin to the latest research studies from Cognitive Therapy, Neuro Linquistic Programming, Neuroscience, Positive Psychology, Quantum Physics, Nutritional Studies – and then some.
  • JayDee

    I am 48 and I dated a man aged 50 for 15 months who couldn’t repair and yes, when he stonewalled , he would say, “you’ve made your point”, “this isn’t up for debate”, or ” I would be in tears and he’d say ” what’s wrong?”, in an uncaring manner. This made me feel low and disrespected. He told me I made a big deal out of everything and I should keep it to myself. He never apologised when he hurt me, which was often, but if he hurt or offended a stranger or one of his friends, he would say sorry. I always felt at the bottom of his list and emotionally detached. He lacked empathy and could turn his back and dump me and I often felt abandoned. The trust was gone within the first month of the relationship because he would say he would do something and not do it, let me down. Once he boarded a plane and left me behind. On my birthday, he didn’t nothing , not even a phone call and he went out and partied all night without me. To make letting me down upto me, he booked a weekend away which we didn’t go on because he got an offer after we booked to go fishing with his mates instead. I was always hurt, went through 30 boxes of tissues and always let down. I tried to run and blocked his calls but he chased me down and prayed on my empathy. I have read Gottman’s book ” what makes loves last ” about attunement and we never had it. I asked him if he could read Gottman, watch videos of Gottman , go to Gottman therapy and put us first, but he didn’t value the relationship and I said goodbye. I really loved him and he said I was great to him, so it’s sad but a reality that many people do not value love and are not prepared to do what it takes to save it and make it work. You cannot change these people. I also belive in innate traits such as compassion, empathy, caring, soothing, nurturing and resolving cannot be learned. It is innate, like language. Life is too short to waste time on a partner who does not have these innate qualities and you do or value your feelings and comfort your pain to build a strong partnership. There are plenty of loving compassionate people out there. After this nightmare, I truly believe that all those that cannot say sorry, listen to your feelings, see your pain, switch off and don’t take responsibility and cannot repair effectively belong together, that’s my opinion. We sensitive, caring, understanding ones who nurture love should be finding each other or be alone until that right, not perfect, but right person comes along.

  • JayDee

    I am a 48 Y.O woman and I dated a man aged 50 for 15 months who couldn’t repair and
    yes, when he stonewalled , he would say, “you’ve made your point”, “this
    isn’t up for debate”, or ” I would be in tears and he’d say ” what’s
    wrong?”,” why you crying?” in an uncaring manner. This made me feel low and disrespected. He couldn’t soothe or comfort.
    He told me I made a big deal out of everything and I should keep it to
    myself. He never apologised when he hurt me, which was often, but if he
    hurt or offended a stranger or one of his friends, he would say sorry. I
    always felt at the bottom of his list and emotionally detached. He
    lacked empathy and could turn his back and dump me and I often felt
    abandoned. The trust was gone within the first month of the relationship
    because he would say he would do something and not do it. I was let down weekly and couldn’t trust my heart and feelings with him to take care of.
    I openly expressed my concerns and hurt to him, but his lack of empathy and feelings meant I was left feeling alone. Once he boarded a plane and left me behind. On my birthday, he didn’t
    nothing , not even a phone call and he went out and partied all night
    without me. To make it better for all the “letting me down” he booked a weekend away
    which we didn’t go on because he got an offer after we booked to go
    fishing with his mates instead. He never went fishing as that was canned, so all that pain for nothing. I was always hurt, went through 30 boxes
    of tissues and always let down. I tried to run and blocked his calls
    but he chased me down and prayed on my empathy. I have read Gottman’s
    book ” what makes loves last ” about attunement and we never had it. I
    asked him if he could read Gottman, watch videos of Gottman , go to
    Gottman therapy and put us first, but he didn’t value the relationship
    and I said goodbye. I really loved him and he said I was great to him,
    so it’s sad but a reality that many people do not value love and are not
    prepared to do what it takes to save it and make it work. You cannot
    change these people. I also believe in innate traits such as compassion,
    empathy, caring, soothing, nurturing and resolving cannot be learned.
    It is innate, like language. Life is too short to waste time on a
    partner who does not have these innate qualities or value
    your feelings and comfort your pain to build a strong partnership.
    There are plenty of loving compassionate people out there. After this
    nightmare, I truly believe that all those that cannot say sorry, listen
    to your feelings, see your pain, switch off and don’t take
    responsibility for the pain they cause you and cannot repair effectively belong together, that’s my
    opinion. We sensitive, caring, understanding ones who nurture love
    should be finding each other or be alone until that right, not perfect,
    but right person comes along.