The Truth About Love

I thought these 3 posters together made for an interesting conversation about love. 

Scroll down to read them all!

marriage box

I found this Marriage Box poster on Pinterest – and thought it was really well expressed. 

So many people think if it’s love, then everything should flow smoothly – no hiccups.

But even the best of relationships require putting in effort – making love a daily conscious habit.

John Gottman wrote about the 5 to 1 ratio of nice to nasty.  Meaning?

For every 1 challenging time (conflict) you need to have 5 loving gestures.

You need to put in the effort of what he calls “repair.”

Both people have to keep putting something into the relationship – for it to stay thriving.

Shortly after finding the Marriage Box, I found this next poster on Pinterest.

real people real flaws

The 2 seem to go together, so I thought I’d share them together.

I definitely agree that real love means accepting real people aren’t 100% perfect.

Many people “jump ship”/”jump relationship” far too easily/quickly.

However, I do feel the sentence about “in spite of their filthy heart” is up for some clarifying.

It depends on how filthy – and if the filth is ingrained into their character.

If someone is truly of “filthy character,” then you must protect yourself – and consider if they’re capable of change.

Otherwise, I do agree with the sentiment here – that the more you get to know someone, the more you see their flaws.

As John Green reminds…

salmansohn perfect people flawed 2

(This poster – unlike the other 2 – is one I designed.)

I very much agree with John Green.

“I don’t know any perfect people. Just really, really flawed people who are still worth loving.”

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I’d love to hear your insights on the comment section below! What’s something which comes to your mind and heart when you read these 3 posters?  Be specific! Share your personal story or a personal happiness tool! I LOVE it when you share – because I love to find out about my community! Plus, it boosts your happiness when you write down your thoughts right away after reading something – because it helps to engrave your positive takeaway into your permanent positive belief system! Plus, many thousands of peeps read these essays – so, what you share could be a helpful inspiration for someone else! Anywhichway, thanks for reading – and adding your loving insights! xo Karen

(Join me on Pinterest for more inspiring posters! Click here now!)

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  • Sile walsh

    I love love love this piece, as a young women I see friend marrying with fairy tale like hopes and I wonder how in love they are when the stuff hits the fan. I am in a long term relationship and truly believe every day I choose to stay, I choose to work with our human flaws and I choose to acknowledge the truth which is for me, you make a relationship with each other, as you are right now, not promises of perfection.

  • Terry Meeks Spotz

    This should be required reading for anyone thinking of getting married or anyone thinking that divorce is their only option!

  • Dyoan

    I agree if you love someone you accept him/her despite their flaws. Its a give an take process in which included trust to complete it well. You loved a person for he/she is not what he/she have. U just felt it that its love eventhough u fight n compromise but in the end love will always be LOVE no matter what it takes or how hard it takes to be with that person. You just loved

  • Dawn

    I agree that at first the marriage is empty and it will have init what each person put toward it. My first marriage was what you would describe as “fairy tale love” we did stay together for 10 years and have three beautiful children but, we were not mature enough and never really compatable fully.

  • Rockford

    I’ve always found the people with filthy hearts put on the most convincing persona they are seen as such a sweetie. Woof in sheep clothing for sure. Always seem to be great at putting on a front that covers up their true self. Narcissus. You will give and give and they will take and take and never appreciate. The problem is in them.

    • lydia

      So true, learned the hard way. Wasn’t easy but I am so much happier to be away from him. I am coming into my own and feel whole. You can do this. I always say, if u have to ask, you already know the awswer. Sometimes, we just need the support. I’d be here for you if you need it. I know what its like. Just like the cliche, life is so unpredictable, too unpredictable, you must allow yourself the gift of happiness. You deserve it. <3

  • weezie

    This is so true and that’s why you should never judge someone else’s journey. What you can live with in another person is not necessarily what someone else is willing to live with.
    That being said, you have to find that person who is willing to do the work and stay the distance in the relationship. Someone who wants it as much as you do.

  • hopeless

    I read this in the middle of the night. And I have spent the last 24 trying to decide if its right for me to stay in my marriage. Everything is so negative between us, its killing me. He is verbally abusive and can be downright cruel. We have been in therapy for over a year but the patterns arent changing and I feel like I am losing more of myself every day, as I try to figure out the best way to tip-toe around him so he wont explode. Its exhasuting and Im miserable. Then I read this and I feel more guilty to be honest, like Im not trying hard enough or like its my fault. Of course it takes two to fight and Im not perfect but Im not to blame for his reactivity and negativity.

    • Justme

      Leave. Been there, done that. It will brake you into little pieces and it is the hardest thing ever to become whole again.

    • Eric Walter

      So what you need to be thinking is if there is anything I can pinpoint that may may have originally gotten him into these negative and verbally abusive episodes, and if so, what was was it? Then you need to find if there is a way that you can repair the issue, or if not do the best that you possibly can to fix the issue. If not, after 120% effort on your part, then I suggest you accept maybe there is no room for his improvement, and move onto a more suitable partner for yourself! Good Luck! :)

    • Bud

      Having been the asshole and being half responsible for the destruction of my marriage, I can tell you this; if it has been a year and nothing has changed – Leave.

    • FaithIt

      Don’t make that decision too hasty and regret? He needs helps and that is the way he is coping with his own demons. As Karen has wisely taught us, to look at the our marriage from a different perspective. Hope you have a support group and friends who can comfort you right now. Nothing is impossible. Get yourself back by focusing outward till you are strong to bring him to his senses. Leaving may cause a whole lot of other problems.Think of the time when you were both in love. He needs your help and support right now. Hope this helps to see another side to this. Women all over the world are going through the same things and some even worse. Take care dear. Love Karen

      • hilluua Muhamad

        I really need this kind of distinguished view. It’s so rare. I’m looking forward to any such kind of successful stories of how to fix the bulb instead of changing the house. thank you

    • MJ

      leave. been there done that. like “just me” mentioned below. it will really brake you into little pieces, true enough, it’s gonna be tougher for you to become whole again.

    • Been there

      You are a victim and you are talking like a victim. You need to leave. Flaws are different than abuse. Abusive and cruel behavior is criminal. It will not get better.It sounds as if you have done everything right except to leave. It is time, before you lose yourself completely or worse, it gets physical.
      m

  • Carmen

    Thank you for this. I’m so glad I came across this right now in my life as I juggle with a large range of emotions that scare me. I am recently engaged and latley I have been picking on my fiance for so many little things that annoy me about him. This blog has helped me realise the reason why his flaws have become so apparent to me recently. I am over analysing him as I want to make sure he is the one for me. I need to accept he is not perect and stop thinking perfect people exist. I need to work on this and our relationship more if we want this love to work, which we do. This blog has given me hope to continue on and start planning our wedding.

  • Jenny

    “It’s seeing the darkness in another person and defying the impulse to jump ship.”

    WHOA. Thank you for sharing. xo

  • Yazminh AB

    I believe I read something similar the the first poster (which I love – thanks for sharing it!) from “7 Habits of Highly Effective Families,” but for how we raise our children. It really is a very simple, but necessary, basic formula that can be applied to just about all relationships. Thanks for highlighting it! :)

  • http://jerspassageway.com/ Jeremy Ng

    True love is what happens when you no longer get the butterflies daily. It’s a commitment you make even when you don’t “like” him/her every day. And it’s when you realise this person is flawed yet still worth loving and making that commitment. That requires a lot of maturity to know.

    A lot of people love to say how special that particular someone is in the early stages. But when you ask them if they know anything they utterly dislike about this someone, they would not know.

    First of all, you’re usually blind in the beginning. Admit it. Second, you cannot truly love someone and you cannot really say this someone is special until you know something about him/her that you utterly dislike. Because as mentioned, true love is when you see a flawed person and yet you make that commitment. That takes effort. Getting along and compromising.

    That’s why in the army you tend to have strong bonds and camaraderie with your buddies, because you accomplish great things together despite not liking everything about them. You know you could only achieve a sweet mission success by working harmoniously together. It’s no different from a relationship.

  • Jay

    I L-o-v-e this blog!!

    I just had a comment about the filthy hearts line. To me, that line reminds me that our nature is one of loving-kindness. Our hearts are pure and full of love when we are born, but like many things in life, experiences, circumstances, judgments, thoughts and feelings can throw dirt on that and make our hearts “filthy” (some would use the allegory of broken instead). It’s not a matter of judging the “filth” but realizing that every loving action towards someone else is like dabbing a little bit of love soap on that dirt, slowly dislodging all the self inflicted, and world inflicted dirt off. “LOVE is choosing to serve someone…in spite of their filthy heart” It takes strength, great strength to love those that our society judges as having the filthiest hearts, as long as our own loving nature is not compromised, these are the people that I most look up to. Anyway, thank you for this wonderful blog post Karen, I always take the time to read yet this is my very first time commenting.

    Signed, A filthy heart.

  • mojomuse

    Thanks Karen! The posters are a marvelous way to illustrate the sentiments you share. Relationships are awesome motivators for enhancing our awareness. We become aware of what we like and don’t like! We get to see up close the shortcomings of our upbringing, our programming, our societal conditioning and those of another. the pros and cons. We get a view of ourselves and what could do with some Refining! – if we can stand the unpleasant truth, that we fall short of our own view of ourselves… Motivations that are askew, notions and agendas that get us into trouble. We are learning and unlearning. Discerning and Deciding. Living Deliberately!

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