Watch Out For This Red Flag In Love

red flag in loveI believe if you’re looking for love, it’s very appealing when you see at least one “very” in your partner. For example, it helps if your honey is very smart, or very hardworking, or very nice, or very funny, or very supportive, or very generous, etc.

Basically, it’s appealing when you see at least one magical, heart-fluttering quality about a man or woman – a quality that makes them  stand out as special — admirable – cherishable.

Usually, when someone has an admirable  “very” quality, it’s a sign of strong character – which the philosopher Aristotle says is essential to find in a partner – because the healthiest, happiest relationships are what he calls “relationships of shared virtue” – where you inspire each other to operate at your highest character, best potential.


Although finding one very in your partner is very good,  when you spot a “two very” aspect in someone, this can be very bad.

poster healthy love 2 (1)For example… if your partner/crush is “very, very” funny – as in “non-stop funny” – well, then, this might be a red flag — a sign that this person might be using all that ha-ha-ha laughter to avoid honest, open communication – and later, when you try to connect soul to soul—heart to heart—you might be greeted by a gigantic, unmovable whoopie cushion wall.

Or…if your partner/crush is “very, very” hardworking – as in “non-stop, intimacy-avoiding hardworking”  this might also be a red flag a-waving that they might be “very,very” emotionally unavailable – leaving you to feel “very, very” lonely and disconnected to them.

Or…if your partner is “very, very” extravagantly generous with spending money on you –  as in “non-stop buying of expensive gifts” – this might be a sign that they are  “very, very” eager to try to buy your love – without valuing what makes you (and themselves) truly priceless.

The list of “very, very” danger zones is endless. But the common red flag in all of them is the same. If someone is a “very, very” extreme  of something – this means they are not operating from a place of true inner balance – or what Aristotle calls “the mean zone” – also known as “the moderation zone.”

According to Aristotle (my favorite philosopher) everything has a “mean zone”/”moderation zone”  — all of life’s actions, feelings and material goods.

poster definition loveEven “lovingness” has a mean zone! It exists somewhere between coldness and co-dependent suffocation!

Even truthfulness has a mean zone! It exists somewhere between outright lying and being painfully, cruelly direct!

Even courageousness has a mean zone! It exists somewhere between fearfulness and rashness (with no thought to longterm consequences)!

Plus according to my fave Greek philosopher buddy Ari, even niceness has a mean zone! It exists somewhere between being a spineless worm and  a jerk!

Let’s just take a quick moment to consider this last mean zone – of niceness. If at some point you haven’t been attracted to a guy/gal because you felt that they were “too nice!” (as in a “very, very” nice) — you  might have been intuitively correct for feeling a sense of discomfort. According to Aristotle, it is actually not “strong character” to be spineless, wormy, “very, very” nice. A one “very” nice is the right “moderation zone” of niceness to offer up kindness, love and warmth.

Guess what else?

According to my favorite philosopher Ari, you too must watch out for being a “very, very” quality with other people – and make sure you’re living in a one “very” only zone.

For example…

watch out for this red flag in loveYou should be “very” loving – but watch out for being “very, very” loving – and thereby suspect for co-dependent suffocation!

You should be “very” truthful- but watch out for being “very, very” truthful – and thereby suspect for being painfully, cruelly direct!

You should be “very” courageous – but watch out for being “very, very” courageous – and thereby suspect for acting out in rashness with no thought to longterm consequences!

And watch out for your niceness – and make sure it’s in that moderation inner balance zone – and that you’re not being a very, very spineless worm version of nice.

Your Assignment:

If you’re in a relationship right now (or crushing on someone), take time to brainstorm which “very” special things your partner/crush has that makes you all a-flutter. Compliment your partner/crush about these qualities  – letting them know you appreciate these aspects. Next, brainstorm if they have any red flag “very, very” danger zones. If so, you might want to chat with them about these aspects.  Next, let’s talk about YOU. Brainstorm which one “very” special things you have to offer a partner — and let yourself feel proud and happy about these signature strengths. Next – brainstorm if you have any “very, very” aspects which you might need to tone down and moderate – so you can rise up to your highest self –  and bring your best self into your relationship – and throughout your life!

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Written by Karen Salmansohn (Founder)

Hi I’m Karen Salmansohn, founder of NotSalmon. My mission is to offer you easy-to-understand insights and tools to empower you to bloom into your happiest, highest potential self. I use playful analogies, feisty humor, and stylish graphics to distill big ideas – going as far back as ancient wisdom from Aristotle, Buddhism and Darwin to the latest research studies from Cognitive Therapy, Neuro Linquistic Programming, Neuroscience, Positive Psychology, Quantum Physics, Nutritional Studies – and then some.
  • Eileen Sianez

    I’m kinda in a relationship with a major commander in the army,he is smart,sexy and definitely in charge in the military but I don’t think he realizes he isn’t in control of me.He’s already told me we`’re getting married,starting a family and he doesn’t even really know me.He commands me to what we’re doing never asks me!I have several red flags here,most women would probably say,”What’s the problem?” That’s just it I don’t want any!!!

    • Milla

      “he’s already told you” is telling me, your views do not matter, you go along with this right now, you will be his puppet on a string. Has he asked you if you’d like kids? Get out of the relationship, follow your heart, he is not the one, and just maybe that is why he is still on his own, he sounds scary.

    • Those are definitely red flags. I would be afraid.

  • Ollie B

    I am a very, very nice person – translate into not speaking my true feelings. I am let a guy talk me into moving in with him after knowing him only two months! I am so unhappy living with someone who is very, very generous, very, very in command and very, very decisive! I fedel suffocated. I don’t know how to tell him I want out – I want to move back to my small little mobile home (which, I own without a mortgage). I know he will be crushed, but I am too nice. I am awake half the night with trying to figure out what to do.

    • Leah

      What happened Ollie? I hope those sleepless nights resolved.