Why You’re Attracted to Inappropriate and Unavailable Partners
Recently I was out to dinner with my family. I excused myself to go to the restroom – and found something very interesting scribbled on the bathroom wall.
Lynn + men who don’t love her…
Although I chuckled, I also felt Lynn’s pain. Over a decade ago, I experienced bad patterns in love – which thankfully I’ve since broken.
I used to joke that if we all had a one in a million chance of meeting the right guy, I only had about two or three guys left to go out with. I felt like I’d dated nearly every eligible — and non-eligible — man in New York City.
I was tempted to write back a helpful note to Lynn – right below her bathroom scribble.
Lynn + men she chooses who remind her of a parent who didn’t love her
Lynn + men she chooses who she knows will love her at the same lower level she presently loves herself
Lynn + men she chooses because she’s seeking men who are eye candy – not soul food.
I wanted to remind Lynn that she needed to “own” her part in her bad love pattern in order to “dis-own” her bad love pattern.
Lynn’s bathroom note seemed to suggest that there was no logic to her love problem. She seemed to imply ath the universe had hand-plucked her to torture her and punk her. Check out how she worded her dilemna;
Lynn + men who don’t love her
Lynn very much needed to own up to some of her responsibility for her reoccurring love problem if she wanted her love life to change.
Thankfully I eventually owned up to my part in my bad love pattern. In particular I realized I needed to “dis-own” my pattern for prioritizing eye candy over soul food.
When I was younger, I used to look at a cute, funny, charismatic guy and think: “Yum, yum! I want him!”
One day I saw a loving, happy couple—watched the happy, healthy dynamic between the guy and girl— and thought: “Yum, yum! I want that!”
That’s when it hit me: True love is a that—not a him.
True love is the special deep, inner soul-to-soul connection between two people. True love is NOT about the superficial qualities found in (or on!) a person. After all, if you don’t have that special soul-to-soul connection it won’t matter how sexy, successful, or charismatic the other person is. Nor will it matter how good they are at massaging your body and/or your ego! You need the other person to be good at connecting with your soul (not your body or ego) for the love connection to survive the test of time! Hence, you need to seek out the “that” – not the “him” or the “her”!
Basically, if you’re not seeking a “that” – you’re foolishly prioritizing finding someone who is mere “eye candy.”
Let me state clearly – it’s okay to enjoy some eye candy in your partner.
But love cannot live by eye candy alone.
If you want to find lasting love then you need to seek a “that” – not just a him or a her.
- When you seek a “that,” you’re seeking “soul food” – and more likely to find a “soulmate.”
- When you seek a “him” or a “her,” you’re more likely to confuse “infatuation-at-first-sight” for love-at-first sight – and thereby more likely to find a “lustmate” or an “egomate.”
There’s a great quote in that classic book The Little Prince:
“It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.”
This quote describes prioritizing finding someone who is “soul food” not just mere “eye candy.”
So, how do we wind up over-prioritizing eye-candy- and what is the solution/”soulution”?
Don’t rush your crush! Take time to get to know someone – in a deep soul-to-soul way – so you don’t fall in love with “the idea” of the person – but you fall in love with the actual person!
When you slow down and get to know someone soul-to-soul, you can better suss out if you’re psyched about how you each share long-term loving compatibility—or are merely riled up over your short-term great body massages and ego massages.
When you rush your crush you’re more likely to crash your crush.
Just think about what happens when you move slowly vs. quickly down a street in a car.
- If you drive slowly—you notice many more details and are less likely to crash your car.
- If you’re speeding, you just get a big blur of data – and thereby dramatically increase your possibilities of a car crash.
This goes ditto on dating data.
- If you enter a relationship slowly, you’re more likely to notice deal-breakers – and know to put on the brakes.
- If you rush in, you’re unable to handle sudden personality curves and surprise emotional potholes.
Know this now:
It doesn’t matter how fast you get somewhere, if you’re heading in the wrong direction. It’s essential you take time to know someone soul-to-soul – so you don’t confuse infatuation and romance with a real-deal soul connection!