self-help for people who wouldn’t be caught dead doing self-help

The Unbreakable Heart

Note: This is a guest blog by Lindsay Kriger

A funny thing happened after my break up with my ex-boyfriend Josh. Not funny as in “ha ha.” More funny as in “a-ha!” After my break up, I wanted very much to fall in love with someone new. But I was so afraid of getting my heart broken again, I developed an unbreakable heart. Although it looked like a real, workable heart on the outside, it didn’t allow any new man to get on its inside. Although I thought I was excited to meet someone new, I was petrified. Perhaps this is what made my heart unbreakable. It was a petrified heart. 

Here’s the definition of petrified: “To change (organic matter) into a stony concretion by encrusting or replacing its original substance with a calcareous, siliceous, or other mineral deposit.” 

Yep – looking back – I had me a petrified unbreakable heart!

My story quickly:  After my break up with Josh, I attracted a man who was the opposite of Josh. I then became a lot like Josh: unavailable. 

My New Man’s Biggest Complaint: I was too busy for him. For example, he thought it was weird that I would always leave early in the morning because I wanted to go running.  

My Biggest Complaint: My new man was too fun. He liked to go out too much. 

The Truth: I should have loved that every night this New Man texted me asking me what my plans were. I now can more clearly see that I had become super busy in an effort to become “un-needy” – as a reaction to being “too needy” for Josh.  Plus, there was a potpourri of benefits in making myself “un-needy.” In particular, “un-neediness” meant I wouldn’t ever get close to this New Man – and thereby I’d protect my heart from getting broken yet again. Unfortunately, not only was I keeping myself from feeling the potential pain of a relationship (aka: rejection)  – I also was keeping myself from the big gain of a relationship (aka: intimacy).  

More Truth:  We get no real rewards out of a relationship when we maintain an unbreakable heart. After all, the #1 real reward of being a relationship is getting to savor this delicious intimacy! 

Ultimately I realized that because I wasn’t ready to let this New Man in, I should let him go. I needed time to clear my head. And that’s when I realized yet another funny thing of the “a-ha” variety. 

I realized: Men actually need women to be a little bit needy of them!  If you don’t need a man at all, he will become restless. Men are natural problem solvers! So, if you’re not ready to be make yourself “the right kinda needy” in a relationship, well, you’re not ready for a relationship at all. 

Lindsay Kriger, Founder of If Only I Knew on Facebook 

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Karen Salmansohn (Founder)

Hi I’m Karen Salmansohn, founder of NotSalmon. My mission is to offer you easy-to-understand insights and tools to empower you to bloom into your happiest, highest potential self. I use playful analogies, feisty humor, and stylish graphics to distill big ideas – going as far back as ancient wisdom from Aristotle, Buddhism and Darwin to the latest research studies from Cognitive Therapy, Neuro Linquistic Programming, Neuroscience, Positive Psychology, Quantum Physics, Nutritional Studies – and then some.

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