Lust, love and like.
A healthful, happy love relationship serves up three out of three. A healthful, happy love relationship is a passionate best friendship.
Many women think men only care about the lust angle – finding a hot bod for hot sex. Unfortunately, there are many men who do only care about this. In my book Prince Harming Syndrome, I explain how relationships that are too focused on sex wind up being what my favorite philosopher buddy Aristotle called
1. “a relationship of pleasure” – where you find a lust-mate or shallow-mate
2. “a relationship of utility” – where you find an ego-mate or wallet-mate
However, a healthful, happy love relationship falls into a third category – something Aristotle calls …
3. “a relationship of shared virtue – where you find a soul mate! A relationship of shared virtue is when each partner “gets” one another at their core self – and inspires and supports each other to grow into their best possible selves. Remember the movie “As Good As It Gets”? Jack Nicholson’s character says to Helen Hunt’s character, “You make me wanna be a better man.” This feeling of wanting to be your best possible self for your partner is what a relationship of shared virtue is all about!
A relationship of shared virtue is where you feel the whole triumvirate: lust, love and like.
Meaning? If you want to fully seduce a man, then you’ve got to know how to grab a man by more than his you-know-what. You must truly turn on a man’s soul!
If you sleep with a man before you feel safe knowing you connect on a soul-to-soul level, the relationship might start off hot — but like steam into air, it will rise quickly then — pfffft — vanish into vapor. Or worse, you’ll wind up getting burnt.
This is so important to prioritize, that I’m repeating this reminder in bold italic letters:
If you can’t stimulate a man in more areas than from the waist down, you will only be attracting a relationship of pleasure or a relationship of utility. And this man will not remain your man for long.
One of my favorite quotes about love comes from the book The Little Prince: “It’s only with the heart that one can see rightly; what’s most important is invisible to the eye.”
I love that the Little Prince recognized that the heart (another metaphysical word for soul) is the best lens for love — making this Little Prince a major Prince Charming.
Seduction Tip 1 (in bold italics so you recognize it is crucial to remember): If you want to be a man’s Princess Charming, you MUST do more than work on tightening your buns or boosting up your boobs! You MUST tap into what I call “The Scheherazade Effect.”
Remember the tale of Scheherazade and her 1,001 nights? Scheherazade was absolutely a Princess Charming who knew how to grab and stimulate her king’s soul. Voilà!
The CliffsNotes on Scheherazade:
There once was a king who got very bored with the women in his life very quickly. He would marry a new virgin, “shtup” her, then send her pretty self away pretty much immediately…to be beheaded. Talk about a bad breakup, huh? And talk about a King Harming, huh? Anyway, this king killed thousands of women by the time he finally met the enchantingly different Scheherazade. What made Scheherazade enchantingly different? Scheherazade loved to read books and had lots of fascinating ideas and interests to share. Wisely educated in morality and kindness, she had a passion for poetry, philosophy, sciences and arts. She kept the king on the edge of his bed—not with mere alluring sexual positions—but with alluring stories to be told, each more exciting than the next. And so the king kept Scheherazade alive—eagerly anticipating each new tale—until, lo and behold, 1,001 adventurous nights passed—along with three sons—and the king not only learned to love Scheherazade, but he made her his queen. Talk about living happily ever after, huh?
The lesson learned? It’s very seductive to a man when you, as a full-bodied and full souled woman, have passions in your life you can share to keep him inspired, titillated, growing and thriving.
Seduction Tip 2 (again in bold italics so you recognize it is crucial to remember): The more passions you have in your life, the more passion your man will have for you!
My friend David told me he fell in love with his wonderful wife of 13 years because he adored her “world lens” — all the interesting perspectives she shared about life, all her passionate insights and enthusiastic talents.
David’s idea of love is being turned on by how his paramour looked at the world, instead of simply focusing on how she looked to the world. Which is why David is a 3-D Prince Charming who’s found his Scheherazade.
Unfortunately, I believe too many women feel that the best way to catch a guy is with the bait of their (to word it politely) “vajayjay.” But if that is the main lure for love, then why aren’t little “vajayjay icons” found on Valentine’s Day cards? I’m kidding — but I am serious! If you sleep with a man too soon, you risk being dizzied by an “oxytocin high,” and you will not know until you’re already emotionally entrenched if the two of you have a true soul-nurturing connection.
Plus, even in this modern world, you also risk the man respecting you less if you give sex away too quickly. It’s timeless psychology. The harder you are to win, the bigger your estimated prize value. Many men do not want to belong to a club that has touched their members too quickly. It’s the ol’ Dr. Ejaculate/Mr. Hide Syndrome. As soon as the man comes, he’ll want to go.
Seduction Tip 3 (back to bold italics one last time for good measure): If you ever wanna hear “I do,” you have to start off saying a lot of sexual “I don’ts.”
For this reason, I recommend to the women I coach that they do not drink alcohol on dates. Staying alcohol-free will help ensure you clearly “hear” who a guy is, not simply “see” who he is. You don’t want to be hypnotized by superficial qualities, like his twinkly blue eyes, broad shoulders, manly voice, intoxicating laugh, and/or the expensive romantic restaurant he might be wining/dining you in. Plus, being alcohol-free will help make sure you don’t move too swiftly forward physically (a.k.a. it will ensure you keep your vajayjay in your skirt!).
This brings me to the #1 overall big seduction tip for luring in a partner:
STOP trying to be seductive!
If you focus too much on seducing a man with your body and beauty, you will only be luring in a man with your body and beauty.
If you want to wisely be in a lust, love and like relationship of shared virtue, it’s far more important that you excite a man’s soul!
NOTE: The above is a tweaked excerpt from my OPRAH.com recommended book PRINCE HARMING SYNDROME – which offers tools to help you to find a man who really “gets” you – and really wants to keep you! Click here to find out more info about PRINCE HARMING SYNDROME – and read more excerpts!
Hi I’m Karen Salmansohn, founder of NotSalmon. My mission is to offer you easy-to-understand insights and tools to empower you to bloom into your happiest, highest potential self. I use playful analogies, feisty humor, and stylish graphics to distill big ideas – going as far back as ancient wisdom from Aristotle, Buddhism and Darwin to the latest research studies from Cognitive Therapy, Neuro Linquistic Programming, Neuroscience, Positive Psychology, Quantum Physics, Nutritional Studies – and then some.