If after a divorce or break up, you’re tempted to rush back into a new serious relationship – keep in mind the following 2 huge warnings.
NOTE: Of course, many people do go on to find happy love unions pretty quickly after a divorce. I’m just sharing research which explains that your chances of finding a lasting love union GREATLY increase if you wait a full 3 years after a bad divorce or tough break up.
Unfortunately many divorced people have difficulty making it through this three year benchmark as mere benchwarmers in love. Many divorced people are folks who crave coupledom – and need to be in the love game playing.According to research, “The majority of re-marrieds only wait about two years between legal divorce and legal marriage. That figure’s even less for men. Divorce adjustment literature suggests a three year period before moving on. This speed in re-marriage could be a contributing factor in re-divorce.”
Psychologist Barry Dym explains further, “It doesn’t matter if it’s your first or second marriage, if you’re young or old, or what you’ve learned in between relationships – you must still go through the same damn 3 cycles of love before you know if you’re truly compatible with somebody. If you rush into a relationship, then you can’t fully know how compatible you are in all 3 out of 3 of these phases.”
Dym calls the first phase of love the “Expansive Phase” – though one might jokingly call this the “Expensive Phase.” Basically, this is the phase when you send flowers and dine in pricey French bistros. Each person is a little larger than their normal self. Each person appears far bolder, smarter, more charming.
“We form an implicit contract with our partner in this first Expansive Phase to maintain this high of love,” says Dym. “Ironically, being cynical about love can even help you be more attractive to the opposite sex. For instance, a woman who feels the loss of her last relationship might show up as a little cooler – and thereby come off as more independent. The man in pursuit might be attracted because this ‘colder’ woman doesn’t seem so clingy — like his last woman – who was constantly saying to him ‘Why cant you talk more?’ As a result, a ‘false’ love bond can then be formed under these conditions in the Expansive Phase. “
The next and second stage Dym describes as the “Contraction Phase.” One might also jokingly call this phase “The Betrayal, Let Down And Sleeping On The Couch Phase.”“In this second phase, people pull back into their real skin,” says Dym.”This is when people form defensive patterns and no longer behave as their ‘perfect’ selves. This is when couples start to become furious at each other. I’m always surprised by people’s capacity for shock at this phase – when they start to see one another as imperfect human beings. I mean, he’s sixty and she’s fifty and they’re outraged by each other’s imperfections and changes in behavior.”
Dym’s third noted stage is the “Resolution Phase” characterized by compromise, negotiation, perspective, and TDC flowers.
“This stage, though ideal, is not always achieved,” says Dym. “It requires the most skill. It’s when you find a way to communicate during conflicts and find a way to accept and deal with your partner’s imperfections. Even after you make it through this final third phase, you can find yourself recycling the three phases all over again. Hopefully, over time, a couple learns to have an appreciation of the whole cycle.”
If a person rebounds quickly into a new relationship, chances are they’re merely spending time in the first “Expansive Phase.” Unfortunately, this first phase of love is really only a test to see how good each person can be at “romance.” This first phase doesn’t test how good each person can be at intimacy, communication, compassion, forgiveness and connection.
It’s not until the second and third phases of a love relationship, that you really get to understand how good your partner is at these important core values. As a result, you cannot come to a true understanding of how compatible you are with your partner until you go through Phase 2 and Phase 3 with them. In particular, the third phase – the “Resolution Phase” – is most important for a couple to experience. This phase is when couples learn to deal sensitively with each other’s conflicts and face up to their disappointments. The “Resolution Phase” is when real love truly begins to grow – and when love attains its deepest roots.
Unfortunately, “rebound love” does its best growth in the “expansive phase” – when its weedy and needy vines of desperation, fear and denial all wrap around our brains – cutting off our ability to think clearly. The “Expansive Phase” is what’s leads us to falsely believe that “Rebound Love” is “True Love” – when it is merely the first phase of a 3 phase cycle.
We often seek rebound love for some seemingly self-loving reasons. Mainly, we’re eager to prove to ourselves that we’re capable of change. We seek a rebound relationship in order to trick ourselves into thinking we’re now picking “better” – just because we’re picking “differently” – but that doesn’t mean that we are picking “smarter.”
Often when it comes to “rebound love,” the pendulum of the heart swings in a completely opposite direction, so we wind up with someone who’s a “reaction” to our ex — as well as a “distraction” from our ex.Basically, often after a divorce or break up, people seek to find a “love replacement,” just simply so they can tell themselves that they’re moving forward.
However, Dym warns that that if we move forward too quickly – before we’ve become fully alert to our love lessons – then we can still make some very foolish love choices – just new and different foolish love choices.
Dym says: “We have an internal template of choices for mates. Instead of ‘mom’ we can pick ‘dad ‘ or an ‘uncle’ or ‘our next door neighbor.’ It could still be a dysfunctional choice.”
After a bad break up, it’s good to stay open to finding love – but it’s preferable to make sure you know which of those 3 phases you and your partner are transitioning through -as you continue to spend time with your new partner.
If you’re thinking of re-marrying, make sure you go through all 3 phases before you re-tie that knot.“Second marriages are happiest when there’s enough time in between divorce and re-marriage to understand one’s needs,” says Constance Ahrons, PhD, professor of sociology at USC (and author of The Good Divorce).
Constance explains: “Our capacity for learning love lessons depends on how psychologically aware we become about ourselves. We learn the most if we don’t blame the other, but take responsibility for the failure of love.”
In particular, Constance recommends that you make sure you take time to honestly answer the following question before you go rushing into a new relationship:
“How did I contribute to past problems in my last relationship?”
When you can honestly answer the above question, then you’re far more ready to healthfully love again – and far more prepared to deal with the inevitable challenges coming your way in the “Contract Phase” and “Resolution Phase” of your next love union.
Hi I’m Karen Salmansohn, founder of NotSalmon. My mission is to offer you easy-to-understand insights and tools to empower you to bloom into your happiest, highest potential self. I use playful analogies, feisty humor, and stylish graphics to distill big ideas – going as far back as ancient wisdom from Aristotle, Buddhism and Darwin to the latest research studies from Cognitive Therapy, Neuro Linquistic Programming, Neuroscience, Positive Psychology, Quantum Physics, Nutritional Studies – and then some.